Thursday, June 6, 2013

holding onto hope

We knew the process of transplant would become more difficult long before it would start to ease. James worried about me, and I did everything within my abilities to rest and reassure. We did our best to prepare ourselves. We were open and honest about our anxieties and fears. We shared our hopes and dreams for the future and for each other. We left nothing unsaid. We held each other close in a comfortable calm and silence. We would be together again soon. 

The days pass in a different sort of silence. These feelings are familiar in both the helplessness and endlessness to it all. We still have no certainties, and the unknowns are more daunting than ever before. Nothing has changed. Everything has changed. 

There are some differences. We made it to transplant. We are on the other side. Yet, I no longer have James to confide in. I can whisper to him through the layers of heavy sedation, but he cannot squeeze my hand or wipe my tears. I no longer have a clear and concrete goal to work towards. There is a lot of abstraction in the process of recovery and healing. Of course, I can dream of returning home to British Columbia together, but even that feels far from these realities. 

What is there to hold onto? There is only hope. I have to hold onto hope. 


  1. Adena, I have been reading your blog for many months now.I check daily and sometimes twice a day for updates.I truly admire the love that you and James have for each other.Hope is a wonderful thing, hold on to that hope and to that love tightly and never let go.You and James are in my thoughts and in my prayers.Keep whispering to James, I firmly believe he can hear you.

    1. Thank you for your kind words. Love is something special, and I don't take it for granted. I feel very blessed to have this kind of love in my life. Hope is harder, but I am trying my best. I certainly hope he can hear me. I need him to hear me. xo.

  2. "Waiting is the hardest part..." waiting is neither fun nor easy. To be waiting is not to be confused with 'taking a break'; waiting is not downtime - it is, of itself a positive action. It is the action of letting go of that which we do not control, it is a faithful step into a place of calm, it is giving permission - for others to do what they are skilled at doing, and for you and James to receive the benefit of that skill.
    It is rest
    It is time to open the purple package and read to James...

    love love love & hugs

  3. Adena I cannot imagine going through what you are. You are such a brave and strong person. Even if you don't believe it, your blogs and your posts are inspiring to so many people. You have hope to hold onto, but you also have your memories, your dreams, and you have all of us. I've never met you but I think about you two several times a day and wish I could meet you. There are hundreds of people who think about you, so whenever you're feeling really down, or like you're having trouble holding into hope, think about some of us. We're all here for you. And we think you're both amazing.