tracheostomy

James has been pleading with the doctors to extubate him for several days. He was finding it impossible to cope with the discomforts and fears associated with a tube down his throat. All efforts to bring him a sense of calm had come with failure. The sensation of breathlessness is one of incredible fear and terror. There has been no relief in pill form (or relaxation techniques that require focus).

James' reprieve came in the form of a tracheostomy. It was a fast procedure, and it had an immediate impact. James' vital signs are within a normal range for the first time in more than a week. He is a lot more comfortable. He is a lot more calm. He is able to smile at me, and mouth words, or in the least, those all so important sweet words of love for one another. I read to him from a book of Pablo Neruda love poems, and James closes his eyes, squeezes my hands, and with no panic, takes deep breaths (with the support of the ventilator).

He also confronted another major challenge today: James walked a couple steps (with a lot of physical support) for the first time in more than a week. The best part was being able to wrap my arms around him, and feel James reciprocate. The hug brought me to tears. I crave that warmth alone at night. There are no more words.