Sunday, October 9, 2011
I have to remind myself to keep writing. I've been exhausted, and sick, and it is hard to find the energy to do more than hide under the covers. The insanity and chaos (that is my life) continues. I will spare the details, but it really has been a crazy few weeks between holidays, illness, appointments, accidents, school assignments, and of course, a stolen wallet and broken computer.
Stress seems to compound on itself (and create a false impression of exponential growth in magnitude). I continue to cope, because, well, I have to. I go through the motions. I focus on that which is is within my control (or in the least, provides the illusion of control). I remind myself of the importance of taking strides from one moment to the next.
I have also been cleaning and baking, and cleaning and baking, and cleaning and baking. James will be back on Thursday, and it feels wonderful to (finally) be preparing to share my space with him. I have not written (or talked) about the loneliness: I really do need him. (He helps me self-regulate). It hurts to love someone this much. It hurts to miss someone this much. The time did not go by fast, and I'm scared to let him go again.
I wrote (briefly) about gratitude a few posts back. It seemed incomplete at the time (as it always is), but there was something in particular I wanted to re-visit: my gratitude for tissue and organ donation, and by extension, for James' organ donor and family). I never imagined I would become so passionate about tissue and organ donation. I still don't have the words to express or articulate the extent of my gratitude. (I cannot even begin). Organ donation is an incredible act of generosity. It is more than a "gift" of life, or a "second chance" at life for single person. Our dreams for the future have become a possibility for James, and through James, for his family, and friends, and all of his loved ones. I am forever grateful to and for James' organ donor and family.
[On a not-so-aside: there was an important article in the newspaper this past week about dispelling the myths regarding religion and organ donation. This is a topic I would like to explore further in a future post. Specifically, I am interested in the conflict between death and/or burial rituals and traditions (halachot), and the obligation (or mitzvah) to preserve and/or save a life (pikuach nefesh). See: "Religious Leaders . . . " ].
Signing out for now. There is food to be eaten, chores to be done, and cats to be cuddled (and cuddled and cuddled).