Monday, February 18, 2013

finding hope in the ICU

The tracheostomy has allowed for some improvements, but it cannot erase the fears. There is sheer terror is being unable to breathe. It is beyond the cognitive realm. James' anxiety is not within his control. There are no words to describe the pain of a loved one in distress. The feelings of helplessness are intense beyond expression. It is a deep sensation within the body, or rather, an constant ache and nausea. I grieve to the point of exhaustion. I feel weak in my efforts to calm and comfort.

I bare the weight of all these emotions with gratitude for the ability to feel. I hurt, but I am alive. My husband is alive. I find the strength to fight by my husband's side. We never have to be alone in the presence of one another. We hold hands. We hold each other. We are together.

James and I must also hold onto hope for transplant. There is always something to feel hopeful about. We can hope for a quality of life. We can hope for shared moments of peace and quiet. We can hope for a few hours of sleep. We feel the same about gratitude. We are so very grateful for every single day to share together. We can look upon each. We can communicate. We can share affections. These are all reasons for gratitude.

James appears to be on the mends. The progress is slow, but James' fevers have subsided for now. There is still a long way to go. James is still septic. James still has pneumonia. His carbon dioxide levels are also still high enough to be a cause for concern. His tachycardia (high heart rate) and hypertension (high blood pressure) are within the normal range at rest, but it can take hours to recover from even slight exertion.

We can no longer function one day at a time. Our lives are from one moment to the next. We have seen everything change in a moment. There is no rest. We are always aware.

14 comments:

  1. I know he isn't ,but he looks so reastful in this picture.I hope you are resting when James sleeps. Thoughts and prayers to you both. xoxoDonna

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    1. We have been advocating hard to make him comfortable, or at least, as comfortable as possible. xoxo. Thank you for your continued thoughts and prayers.

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  2. Stay strong!!! I know its hard, Ive been through a similar situation with a loved one as well and what you are doing is all you can do! =) I am praying hard for you two!!!!

    Lora (friend of Jessica)

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    1. Thank you, Lora! We really appreciate your support!

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  3. His anxiety is understandable completely. Not being able to breathe is so scary and you wonder if it is your last. Those tubes in his nose, I remember all to well, I kept pulling them out, they had to tie my hands down. You are very strong Adena, you are the type of support he needs. You must take time for yourself as well, rest up. My prayers are for James.

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    1. Yes, I really really feel for him. It is miserable. Thank you for your prayers. I am doing my best to care for myself too.

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  4. Hi Adena
    I don't know you only through Sara's facebook page.
    I just lost my Mom about 8 weeks ago to Ovarian Cancer that spread to her lungs. My Mom was my best friend and business partner.The last three months her lungs filled up everyday with fluid and she was unable to breathe. I was never so scared in my life.I never left her side and I just wandered if I would be able to handle it all, I did. You don't know where the strenght comes from, you barely eat and drink tons of coffee. They gave Mom so much anti anxiety medication and morphine but she was still so scared, she could never relax, she would gasp for breathe constantly. I could barely stand being helpless,I just wanted to save her.I hate lung cancer so much, the way it takes your breathe away, You are strong,you have strength inside of you that you never knew existed.Your life will forever change, you are such a fabulous person to be there for your husband. My prayers are with you guys everyday...keep going no matter how frightened you are...you can do it...
    God Bless Barb Robilotto

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    1. Dear Barb,
      Thank you for sharing your story with me. I am so very sorry for your loss. My grandmother passed away from lung cancer and COPD. I am very a familiar with the pain and struggle of end stage lung disease. It is very traumatic to watch a loved one struggle to breathe, and feel so helpless in that struggle. I already feel very changed, and I am so grateful for the perspective on life. I truly value each day with James. Thank you again for your message, and prayers. Lots of love,
      Adena

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  5. Love to you, James, Adena, Kathy and family from all of Salt Spring and beyond. You are beautiful. blessings, Maureen

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  6. Uncle Terry and I have been following your postings. Thank you for keeping us up to date. We are so sorry that you are going through this horribly difficult time. We think of you both often throughout the day and I dream of you at night. Please take care of yourself, Adena and try to get some rest. We love you. Auntie Genny

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    1. Dear Auntie Genny and Uncle Terry,
      Thank you for thinking of us, and for sending us love. We can feel it. I will give your love to James and Kathy. I am doing my best to take care of myself.
      Lots of love,
      Adena

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  7. In our thoughts every day ♥ Every little improvement is encouraging.
    Love to both,
    Susan and Carl

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  8. Hi adena I have learned of story through my sisters diane face book page and I have been fallowing your posts everyday sense. james and you have touch my heart and opened my eyes. My husband and I became donors and I now will continue to be a donor advocate in hopes its make a difference for people.I will all ways hold you and James close to me heart and continue to pray for both of yous. all ways in my thought and prayers.I hope one day to be able to meet you boths. sincerely Dawn

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