Monday, February 25, 2013
feeling the grief
I finally allowed myself to fall apart this morning. The tears would not stop for hours. There was no one to comfort me, but in truth, I don't think I would have allowed for comfort. I needed to feel the extent of my grief and pain. I had to give myself permission to feel. The person I need the most is in the ICU on two different types of life support awaiting a life-saving transplant. There are no certainties in medicine, but I must force myself to hold onto a hypothetical hope. My faith must arise from an inner strength, but again, I rely on a hypothetical of sorts. I understand the realities of our circumstance, and it is impossible to lie to myself. Every moment together can feel both dire and precious (all at the same time). We still have our love, but it does not ease the fears. I could hold James' hands forever in search of reassurance. I am calm in nearness, but I still have to go home at night.
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Such an intense time, with all the uncertainties, grief that this situation exists at all, and an unknown quotient in which you do not know if he will win the lottery a second time, and when that magical moment will come. Try not to think of what will happen next, do be prepared, make sure someone other than yourself will be in charge of any arrangements so that you can focus on you and him. There's not much more you can do but hold fast and live in the moment. I mean that most literally. Sending love love love.
ReplyDeleteIt is much healthier for you to get it out than to hold all that pain inside. Believe me I know that. Now that you have given your self that time you can continue stronger than before. Looks like we may be in Toronto sooner than planned. Which is a bad thing we will make into a good thing. looking forward to saying hello. We caregiver's have to stick together.
ReplyDeletelove
Susan
Adena,
ReplyDeleteMy name is Kevin and I share my birthday with James. Thank you so much for keeping us posted on his condition. Happy belated birthday. I can only imagine how hard it must be. My love and prayers go out to both of you.
With love, Kevin.