Wednesday, February 13, 2013

fighting for his life

James' birthday will be in just over a week. We thought we would be celebrating in the hospital. We never imagined it would be like this. We don't only want lungs. We need lungs. We need lungs now. The wait is harder than ever before. Every minute is longer than the next. The thought of being on hold for transplant is terrifying, but I know that James has to be strong enough for the operation. The fungal infection in his lungs and bacterial infection in his blood are serious enough to threaten his survival. We have to hold onto every hope that James can fight these infections, and become active on the transplant list again. At that point, it will be a matter of finding the right set of lungs. It will be an immediate need.

It was a very hard day for James. The sheer terror of intubation (and everything that it represents) is a source of constant fear and anxiety for him. It impedes the possibility of progress towards extubation. Every moment of breathlessness leaves him shaking and in tears. He convinces himself that he is dying. He cries for me. He pleads for sedation. We did a trial extubation, in hopes of calming James' fears, but within less than thirty minutes, James' carbon dioxide increased dramatically, and James was forced to endure a second intubation. The trauma is impossible to describe. This is a pain worse than the depth of my darkest depressions. It is hard to envision an end to this hurt amidst the intensity of these moments, but I know, in my heart of hearts, that James has a lot of fight left in him. He has incredible strength. There is still hope.

24 comments:

  1. Ahh, Adena, my heart is heavy for you. I'm sure I'm not the only one wishing that medical science would hurry up and provide relief for conditions like this. Love love love. And hugs hugs hugs. :)

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  2. James and Adena, I am hoping for you. So hard. Keep fighting James!!!

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  3. Adena, I don't have the words to express what my heart feels for you and James, or for what you are going through.
    My heart is breaking for you and I can only imagine the fear.
    Ed and I continue to pray and believe for healing and for new lungs for James, for strength for you both.
    Please know that we care.
    Hugs ... Barb & Ed Speers

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  4. Oh my - this sounds so tough. I'm praying for you guys. xx
    Jessica

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  5. Adena - someone once told me that the only thing worse than being the one who is ill is being the person who loves the one who is ill. My heart aches for you both and I am praying for you both as is all of my church. Love to you both, Paula. xxxxxx

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  6. Mario and I are both praying for both of you. xxx

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  7. I know there is hope, because I have it for you.

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  8. Prayers, hugs and healthy vibes coming at you!
    xoxo
    Pamela & Carman

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  9. Peace and strength to both of you.

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  10. I can't imagine how hard it must be to stay strong through this Adena, but you can do it! You will do it! Your love will help you be strong for James. Hugs and lots and lots hope for both of you.

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  11. You both are some of the strongest people I know and you keep pulling your strength from each other. We think about you both all the time and send our love from BC. I hope you can find a little more strength from that too. Our hearts are with you.
    Kim and Andy

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  12. Keep fighting James. You can do it. You beat H1N1 that time in the hospital here, and you can do this too. You're strong, you're loved, and you aren't alone.

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  13. Adena, you dont know who we are , but I just want to let you know that we are praying for you and James.I will pray that God will give you strength to be strong for James and for yourself.

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  14. sorry, forgot our name...
    love and prayers from Brian & Ann Martin

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  15. Dear Adena and James,

    Im so sorry to read this. It's so so so hard.
    You guys are in my prayers.

    Love love love,

    Djuna from Holland
    (dubble lung tx in 2009 and re-tx in 2010).

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  16. Always in our thoughts and prayers,
    Susan and Carl

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  17. Sending love and hugs to you both,stay strong. Praying each and every day for you. xoxoxDonna

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  18. Adena & James thoughts and prayers for you both, keep fighting you can win this battle. We are praying for new lungs for James.
    Steve & Debbie

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  19. my thoughts are with you both,i wish you peace and strength to fight this set back I wish you love and prayers love June

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  20. James' story has touched my heart.
    Praying for you.

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  21. This made me cry. Be strong Adena. James needs you more than ever. We are here for you when you need to be weak. Just call if you need to. I'm here to help. xox

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  22. Adena, I am so sorry to hear of James struggles. James and you are in my thoughts and prayers.

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  23. My thoughts and prayers go out to both of you. I am a friend of Jessica Carver's, and have been following James' quest. God bless....
    Tara Rolland, Halifax, NS

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  24. Its hard to see pictures of you like this James, remembering the boy as we were children playing video games with my brother. After everything that you have already been through, this too I know you will defeat, Adena I dont know you but stay strong girl. My children and I will pray for you tonight. Kay from SSI

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