making sense of it all?

I ache for movement forward, or in the least, something different. 

Our lives revolve around James' disease. This was never the case. We always lived with the limitations and challenges, but it did not define our relationship. This has all changed in the last few months. We can no longer escape the realities of chronic illness. James' home has become the ICU (and by extension, I live there with him). James is completely dependent on a team of professionals for every aspect of his care. He has lost almost all of his independence and autonomy. He has lost almost all of his quality of life.

James was admitted to Toronto General on Christmas Day (for his fifth or sixth admission since arriving back in Toronto on August 30, 2012). There have been fifty lung transplants at Toronto General Hospital since January 1, 2013. This seems impossible to reconcile with our current circumstances. We know that James is the highest priority on the list. We know that James is listed as "rapidly deteriorating". We know that James' case is discussed on a daily basis. We understand all of this on an intellectual and cognitive level, but it is still difficult to make sense of it on an emotional level. 

Why are we still waiting? How long will we have to wait? How long can this go on for?

There are no answers to these questions. We simply have to keep faith. We have to trust the team. We have to believe that James has a fighting chance. Otherwise, James and I would not be in this situation. James is stable enough to wait for transplant. We will have to keep waiting. We have no other choice.