Sunday, September 9, 2012

another return to blogging

I often return to blogging after months or years of absence with a comment of observation that I only tend to resort to writing as a method of coping when I am struggling - and I am struggling, but not with depression. This is not a depression. This is a profound and overwhelming grief, or rather, anticipatory grief, at the rapid deterioration of my husband's health (and the difficulty of finding hope in a desperate attempt to focus on living). I deeply resonate with Dr. Kay Redfield Jamison's distinction and description of the differences between the experiences of grief and depression in "Nothing Was The Same." I am at a loss of words for this incredible pain, but I know that it is different than the lure of depression.

I also have a need to document these moments. I need to know that this was real. I have a deep fear that I will look back at these few short years, and I will not have memories. I am afraid that these years will be lost in a lifetime. I am afraid that I will lose James (and with him, all the love and joy and happiness that defined our relationship and that I have known). 

My former blogs have been mostly private, but I have decided to import blogs relating to James' journey with Cystic Fibrosis and Transplant (and our journey together in the last few years). We have also launched a fundraising website. The brief details of James' decline and status are written in the "Updates" section. (We have also linked to a facebook page in hopes of taking advantage of the social media network). 

That's all for now. I will make an attempt to write more in the coming days. Here are some photos from the magical night that was our wedding (because we are still glowing from that evening, and it is important to draw on those moments of happiness and joy for strength and hope from within the darkness):

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