James was admitted to Toronto General Hospital four months ago on Christmas Day. He has been in the ICU for almost three of those months, and on ECMO for more than two months. It is his seventh admission since arriving in Toronto on August 31, 2012. We haven't had more than a few days without an in-patient hospitalization, or an outpatient hospital appointment. This has been the case for the majority of the last year. We live in the hospital. Our lives revolve around the hospital. We never imagined that this would happen. It has been devastating.
It has become harder with the passage of time. We live with an increasing sadness and fear for the future. We do not lose sight of the goal of transplant (and everything that it represents). We are grateful beyond words for James' organ donor and for organ donation. In a couple of weeks, James and I will celebrate his two year post-transplant "lungiversary". This would not be possible without the generous and courageous act of organ donation. We truly feel as though it is essential to celebrate each and every day that James is alive. This is especially the case as James awaits a second life-saving organ transplant.
The passage of time is always changing (along with our perceptions of the speed and movement of time). The longs days in the ICU can be seemingly endless. We are in a constant state of waiting. That being said, I cannot imagine a different speed of time. Time has become a precious measure of the space that James and I share together. These moments together have come to represent everything in the world to us. These moments are all that James and I have together. There are no certainties. There is only the present.
"Today I will wait, if waiting is the action I need in order to take care of myself. I will know that I am taking a positive, forceful action by waiting until the time is right. God help me let go of my fear, urgency and panic. Help me learn the art of waiting until the time is right..."
ReplyDeletefrom The Language of Letting Go, Melody Beattie
Adena & James ~ when I think of you each morning, I am in awe of what you are managing thru. Having been thru this waiting I have an appreciation for the agony, frustration, loss of control in day-to-day living, and the war waged between the devil you know (what's happening now) and the devil you don't (what is to come). My experience has not, however, been so filled with the acute and variant crisis that you have faced. Your fortitude, grace and openness are at the same time heartbreaking and humbling. I long for you to have the carefree days of those your age, in love and enjoying a new life as a couple - it breaks my heart that you don't. I am humbled at your willingness to share your own fear and heartbreak. I love you both dearly and am certain that we have been placed where we are, in each others lives for a purpose. I thank you for so much that I am learning from you both and stand here outside the physical walls holding you both in my arms - to hug you and support you (and sometimes, even in tough times, to give you a gentle nudge forward). Bless you,
Pamela