Saturday, March 9, 2013

love love love

I love to watch James sleep early in the morning, with sun beaming in through the windows, and a sense of peace and calm in the room. He is so beautiful at rest. There are not enough words to describe my love for James. He has brought wonderful changes into my life. I am a different person, because of James.

I hold his hands in the quiet, watch the flutter behind his closed eyes, and remember all the moments of shared joy together. I ignore the beeping of machines and the constant flow of oxygen, and replace the sounds with memories of lying in our tent to the tune of the forest, or sitting on the beach and listening to the waves.

We have a lifetime of experiences to hold onto from only a few short years together. We are bonded in the trauma of it all, but also, in the light that we create for each other and with each other. We have truly learned to make the most of each day. Even now, James and I do not pass a day without love and laughter. We talk of gratitude and appreciation. These shared affections are not an act of desperation. My hopes are almost always high in James' presence. There is reassurance in each enduring moment. I believe there has to be more. We need more time. We deserve more time.

There can be a lot of dissonance between knowledge and emotion. That is, I cannot ignore my rational brain and the intensities with of my emotions, but I really do have a desire for hope and faith. I believe that James has a chance, but I struggle with all the uncertainties. Nothing is predictable. I suppose that has always been the case.

I am learning that, in love, I am vulnerable, and for each and every day that I get to sit by James' side and admire his sweet smile, it is worth all the pain and all the hurt. I am grateful for James. I am grateful for perspective.


  1. ...and we, my dear, are grateful for you. For your:
    - smile that lights up the day
    - hugs that soothe others, when we know it is you who needs to be soothed
    - tender heart, that warms to others even in the midst of the challenges you face
    - quiet voice, that commands attention without disturbing the calm
    - friendship, you continue to give when others would be completely empty
    - love, that is steadfast, courageous and everlasting
    Bless you & James, ignore the circumstance and make it another good day

  2. You have an amazing outlook that is truly inspiring! Thank you for sharing. James and yourself are in my thoughts as you continue in this journey.

    Laura Kennedy (Peter and Sheila's daughter!)

  3. Liking Pamela and Laura's posts.

    Adena, this is perfect. As I said the other day - you always find the right idea to hone in on. Yes, each day is the "same" and hard to blog about the same thing, but people need to hear your story of love. That never gets old.

    Faith, hope and love to you both. I wish I could make them come faster but it has to happen at the right time.

    S and K

  4. So beautiful,Adena,I wish you and James peace and eternal love! Wish I was there to be a shoulder to help you.You are in my thoghts and prayers.Love June

  5. As always Adena, your words are beautiful.The love you two share is magical......... If only everyone loved like that , just think of the world we would be living in. My thoughts are with you and James ewvery day .Stay strong.xoxoxoDonna

  6. Beautiful words from a sensitive lady. We are here, a month early, on 10th floor, will be watching for you to say hello. Susan and Carl

  7. Adena, You have such a wonderful way with words and people. You are like a magnet and people are drawn to you. I could tell this the first time I met you at the Caregivers meeting. You and James are in our thoughts everyday. At times like this there doesn't seem to be words to adequately describe all the thoughts and emotions you must both be going through. Just know that there are many people that are pulling for you both. Lots of love coming your way.
    Sheila and Peter