living in the moment

I don't write very often any more. I suspect that trend with continue. I often start a post without a central theme or idea, but rather, a simple desire to write and record. I am left with random sentences, disconnected thoughts, and miserable attempts to articulate a range of emotions at various ends of the emotional spectrum. In truth, I suppose that there is a lot less to write about, and that, in itself, is very positive. 

We are settling back into some form of normalcy. It is our pleasure to adopt a monotonous rhythm to define our daily lives. We don't need the thrill of living on the edge of survival to motivate ourselves to feel alive. We accept an ebb and flow that allows for change and circumstance beyond predictions. We embrace the uncertainties of the future (and reserve our expectations for the immediate future). 

That is, James and I live in the present. I love being able to live in the moment, and from one moment to the next. That was not always the case. We were forced to live from one moment to the next. It was a means of survival during those long pre-transplant months. Now? It is a conscious choice, or rather, a shift in perspective. It is among the most important lessons of our experience. It is a form of freedom to be able to accept that which is beyond our control. 

We still have fears and anxieties, but James and I do not allow them to define our lives. We reserve our energies. We take advantage of the present. We appreciate these moments with incredible depth, because, well, James and I live with the foreboding knowledge and awareness that this could have been different. We could have had a very different outcome.

How can I explain this level of gratitude? Our lives will never be the same. We experience everything in relation to the alternative. Survival was never a guarantee. 

James might be nauseous, but James has to be alive to be nauseous. 

James might be short of breath, but James has to be alive to be short of breath. 

We accept it all over the alternative. We are forever grateful for another chance at life. We want all these possible and precious moments. There will never be enough of them.