Wednesday, September 17, 2014

back home for a year!

Last night, James and I were awake in the wee hours marveling at the passage of time. We moved back home after James' re-transplant on September 18, 2013. It has been an exceptional year (to say the very least). We reflect back on the ebbs and flows, and the delicate balancing act that has become our lives, with complete and utter amazement. There are days that our lives still feel exceptionally surreal. It is strange to consider the leaps and bounds of change (and growth). 

We have always done our very best to project optimism and hope, but at the same time, James and I were always very honest with ourselves and with each other. We prepared ourselves for James' death on many different levels during James' re-transplant journey. We filed the appropriate paperwork. We had in-depth conversations about end-of-life decision-making in response to each indication of disease progression and further deterioration of James' health. We shared desperate words of love and sentiment with deep-seated fears (and unbearable grief) that each critical moment could be the final departure. We even called the funeral home to inquire about transportation arrangements after reaching the limits of medical intervention, and awaiting miraculous change, following James' post-transplant complications. 

All of those memories remain vivid with emotion. Yet, James is alive with the energies of childhood freedoms. We are firmly grounded in our lives. We are actively alive. We are dreaming of a future that extends beyond the day, week, or even month. It is a strange concept in the aftermath of our experiences. Our return to the world of the living has been a process unto itself. We are incredibly grateful to be here. 

Our lives are as complicated as ever, but in the most wonderful of ways. (We enjoy all forms of normalcies). We are going through a lot of change and transition, and in the process of major decision-making that would not have been possible a year ago. We never lose sight of our gratitude. 

As for this blog, I would love to see transformation here, as well. It would take conscious effort to return to habit, and commitment to a purpose or direction. I am definitely taking into consideration the possibility of writing more actively about our daily lives. I would need to dedicate some time and space to the act. The challenges remain simultaneously different, but similar, as our past experiences inform our present lives. For now, I just thought it was important to share the milestone.

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