Eva

Today, I am remembering Eva Markvoort.

Eva passed away on March 27, 2010. Eva's birthday was on March 31st. She would have been 26 years old. 

Eva was source of strength and inspiration for James.

Please visit: http://www.65redroses.com

 

Thank you, Eva.

update?

and thus, the pattern continues: I write often for a few short weeks (with apologies and a commitment to write more often), and then, I disappear for several months. I tend to return to writing during the difficult times. I don't necessarily have the words, but I know I need to find some form of expression.

James' departure a few hours ago was the hardest it has been to say good-bye. I know that these feelings of abandonment and rejection do not reflect reality in any form. These are neural firings in my brain, familiar pathways, and so forth. It was the first time in many months that I have allowed myself to completely feel, and in doing so, fall apart with the intensity of my emotions.  

To some extent, I have been feeling numb, or rather, not allowing myself to feel, because of a fear of overwhelming sadness. But, distraction can really only function as a temporary coping mechanism. I know I am still mourning the loss of my Bubie. It is going to be a long process, and I cannot imagine that it will get easier in the near future. The joy and happiness of planning my wedding conflicts with a desperate sadness, that is, the awareness of my Bubie's absence, and the knowledge that I cannot share these moments with my Bubie ever again. The grief comes in waves, but there are still days that it feels completely surreal, and I reach for my phone to share a story or a laugh. In her last days, I remember thinking to myself that to hurts to love someone that much.

I share a similar sentiment towards James. Separation from each other becomes painful in relative comparison to the love I feel in his presence (both from him, and towards him). He's healthy, and alive, and I don't want to take a single moment together for granted. It is difficult to express the gratitude I feel towards James. He has changed my life in ways I never thought possible. He has changed me. I cannot wait to spend our lives together as husband and wife. I never want to be far from his warm hands or sweet embrace.

My focus is taking care of myself. I have been going to the gym three times a week, and I follow a sleep hygiene routine. I've also been relatively good about reducing food allergens, and making food choices that contribute to feeling positive and healthy. I am going to Israel for a week to celebrate my grandfather's 90th birthday. It will be wonderful to celebrate with all my family. When I return, I will only have two weeks left of my degree (with four assignments in that short time to complete, and an exam during the exam period). 

James will be back in British Columbia for about six weeks. I will then (hopefully) spend a week with him on the coast at the end of April or beginning of May. We will return to Toronto together for his 1 year post double lung transplant anniversary, and for the final stages of our wedding plans. The wedding date is set for Monday, July 2, 2012. More details to follow . . As always, I end this post with an intent to write more often.

an update of sorts

I have to remind myself to keep writing. I've been exhausted, and sick, and it is hard to find the energy to do more than hide under the covers. The insanity and chaos (that is my life) continues. I will spare the details, but it really has been a crazy few weeks between holidays, illness, appointments, accidents, school assignments, and of course, a stolen wallet and broken computer. 

Stress seems to compound on itself (and create a false impression of exponential growth in magnitude). I continue to cope, because, well, I have to. I go through the motions. I focus on that which is is within my control (or in the least, provides the illusion of control). I remind myself of the importance of taking strides from one moment to the next.

I have also been cleaning and baking, and cleaning and baking, and cleaning and baking. James will be back on Thursday, and it feels wonderful to (finally) be preparing to share my space with him. I have not written (or talked) about the loneliness: I really do need him. (He helps me self-regulate). It hurts to love someone this much. It hurts to miss someone this much. The time did not go by fast, and I'm scared to let him go again.

I wrote (briefly) about gratitude a few posts back. It seemed incomplete at the time (as it always is), but there was something in particular I wanted to re-visit: my gratitude for tissue and organ donation, and by extension, for James' organ donor and family). I never imagined I would become so passionate about tissue and organ donation.  I still don't have the words to express or articulate the extent of my gratitude. (I cannot even begin). Organ donation is an incredible act of generosity.  It is more than a "gift" of life, or a "second chance" at life for single person. Our dreams for the future have become a possibility for James, and through James, for his family, and friends, and all of his loved ones. I am forever grateful to and for James' organ donor and family.

[On a not-so-aside: there was an important article in the newspaper this past week about dispelling the myths regarding religion and organ donation. This is a topic I would like to explore further in a future post. Specifically, I am interested in the conflict between death and/or burial rituals and traditions (halachot), and the obligation (or mitzvah) to preserve and/or save a life (pikuach nefesh). See: "Religious Leaders . . . " ].

Signing out for now. There is food to be eaten, chores to be done, and cats to be cuddled (and cuddled and cuddled).

gratitude

I have written in a gratitude journal off and on for the last few years. focusing on gratitude has been part of a conscious choice (and process) of learning to 'be' in the present moment. in the depths of my depression, it has helped to bring awareness and connection (and voice) to the part of myself that wants to 'be'  in this world. through gratitude, I start to (re)experience moments of beauty, wonder, happiness, and well, everything positive and possible in this world.

today, my thoughts of gratitude are often in connection with James. with James (and in part, because of James), I am very much a different person. this relationship has been a catalyst for change (on many different levels), but I will leave that introspection for another post. for now, I will start my gratitude journal with this: I am grateful for James (and for our relationship). 

in following, I am grateful for the experience of love. that is, the ability to love, and be loved in return.

I am also grateful for my place in this world. I make an effort to focus on gratitude, rather than the shame and guilt that so easily comes from (and with) being aware of this position of privilege (and sometimes, a position of power). I feel a deep sense of gratitude for availability and access to resources that provide the daily necessities of life, including, but not limited to, clean water, fresh food, warm shelter, safety, and health care. 

in that, I am grateful for a health care system that has supported me though the darkest moments of, well, (my) darkness, and given my fiance the opportunity to continue to 'breathe' (and allowing for a future together). and so, I am also grateful for each and every individual that has helped me through this journey, and James, on his own.

I am grateful for the opportunity to receive a post-secondary education (and the freedom to pursue a path of my own). I am grateful for the ability to learn, and to engage in critical discussion, and dialogue with and about the world.

I am grateful for the children that I work with (and everything that they teach me about 'being' in this world).

and I am grateful for gratitude. there is more to write, but I will end here for today.