and thus, the pattern continues: I write often for a few short weeks (with apologies and a commitment to write more often), and then, I disappear for several months. I tend to return to writing during the difficult times. I don't necessarily have the words, but I know I need to find some form of expression.
James' departure a few hours ago was the hardest it has been to say good-bye. I know that these feelings of abandonment and rejection do not reflect reality in any form. These are neural firings in my brain, familiar pathways, and so forth. It was the first time in many months that I have allowed myself to completely feel, and in doing so, fall apart with the intensity of my emotions.
To some extent, I have been feeling numb, or rather, not allowing myself to feel, because of a fear of overwhelming sadness. But, distraction can really only function as a temporary coping mechanism. I know I am still mourning the loss of my Bubie. It is going to be a long process, and I cannot imagine that it will get easier in the near future. The joy and happiness of planning my wedding conflicts with a desperate sadness, that is, the awareness of my Bubie's absence, and the knowledge that I cannot share these moments with my Bubie ever again. The grief comes in waves, but there are still days that it feels completely surreal, and I reach for my phone to share a story or a laugh. In her last days, I remember thinking to myself that to hurts to love someone that much.
I share a similar sentiment towards James. Separation from each other becomes painful in relative comparison to the love I feel in his presence (both from him, and towards him). He's healthy, and alive, and I don't want to take a single moment together for granted. It is difficult to express the gratitude I feel towards James. He has changed my life in ways I never thought possible. He has changed me. I cannot wait to spend our lives together as husband and wife. I never want to be far from his warm hands or sweet embrace.
My focus is taking care of myself. I have been going to the gym three times a week, and I follow a sleep hygiene routine. I've also been relatively good about reducing food allergens, and making food choices that contribute to feeling positive and healthy. I am going to Israel for a week to celebrate my grandfather's 90th birthday. It will be wonderful to celebrate with all my family. When I return, I will only have two weeks left of my degree (with four assignments in that short time to complete, and an exam during the exam period).
James will be back in British Columbia for about six weeks. I will then (hopefully) spend a week with him on the coast at the end of April or beginning of May. We will return to Toronto together for his 1 year post double lung transplant anniversary, and for the final stages of our wedding plans. The wedding date is set for Monday, July 2, 2012. More details to follow . . As always, I end this post with an intent to write more often.
