an update of sorts

I have to remind myself to keep writing. I've been exhausted, and sick, and it is hard to find the energy to do more than hide under the covers. The insanity and chaos (that is my life) continues. I will spare the details, but it really has been a crazy few weeks between holidays, illness, appointments, accidents, school assignments, and of course, a stolen wallet and broken computer. 

Stress seems to compound on itself (and create a false impression of exponential growth in magnitude). I continue to cope, because, well, I have to. I go through the motions. I focus on that which is is within my control (or in the least, provides the illusion of control). I remind myself of the importance of taking strides from one moment to the next.

I have also been cleaning and baking, and cleaning and baking, and cleaning and baking. James will be back on Thursday, and it feels wonderful to (finally) be preparing to share my space with him. I have not written (or talked) about the loneliness: I really do need him. (He helps me self-regulate). It hurts to love someone this much. It hurts to miss someone this much. The time did not go by fast, and I'm scared to let him go again.

I wrote (briefly) about gratitude a few posts back. It seemed incomplete at the time (as it always is), but there was something in particular I wanted to re-visit: my gratitude for tissue and organ donation, and by extension, for James' organ donor and family). I never imagined I would become so passionate about tissue and organ donation.  I still don't have the words to express or articulate the extent of my gratitude. (I cannot even begin). Organ donation is an incredible act of generosity.  It is more than a "gift" of life, or a "second chance" at life for single person. Our dreams for the future have become a possibility for James, and through James, for his family, and friends, and all of his loved ones. I am forever grateful to and for James' organ donor and family.

[On a not-so-aside: there was an important article in the newspaper this past week about dispelling the myths regarding religion and organ donation. This is a topic I would like to explore further in a future post. Specifically, I am interested in the conflict between death and/or burial rituals and traditions (halachot), and the obligation (or mitzvah) to preserve and/or save a life (pikuach nefesh). See: "Religious Leaders . . . " ].

Signing out for now. There is food to be eaten, chores to be done, and cats to be cuddled (and cuddled and cuddled).

gratitude

I have written in a gratitude journal off and on for the last few years. focusing on gratitude has been part of a conscious choice (and process) of learning to 'be' in the present moment. in the depths of my depression, it has helped to bring awareness and connection (and voice) to the part of myself that wants to 'be'  in this world. through gratitude, I start to (re)experience moments of beauty, wonder, happiness, and well, everything positive and possible in this world.

today, my thoughts of gratitude are often in connection with James. with James (and in part, because of James), I am very much a different person. this relationship has been a catalyst for change (on many different levels), but I will leave that introspection for another post. for now, I will start my gratitude journal with this: I am grateful for James (and for our relationship). 

in following, I am grateful for the experience of love. that is, the ability to love, and be loved in return.

I am also grateful for my place in this world. I make an effort to focus on gratitude, rather than the shame and guilt that so easily comes from (and with) being aware of this position of privilege (and sometimes, a position of power). I feel a deep sense of gratitude for availability and access to resources that provide the daily necessities of life, including, but not limited to, clean water, fresh food, warm shelter, safety, and health care. 

in that, I am grateful for a health care system that has supported me though the darkest moments of, well, (my) darkness, and given my fiance the opportunity to continue to 'breathe' (and allowing for a future together). and so, I am also grateful for each and every individual that has helped me through this journey, and James, on his own.

I am grateful for the opportunity to receive a post-secondary education (and the freedom to pursue a path of my own). I am grateful for the ability to learn, and to engage in critical discussion, and dialogue with and about the world.

I am grateful for the children that I work with (and everything that they teach me about 'being' in this world).

and I am grateful for gratitude. there is more to write, but I will end here for today.