sleep (and waiting on news)

James is napping peacefully beside me. He closed his eyes more than five hours ago, but I know that he will certainly sleep still throughout the night (and struggle to wake in the morning). Our time feels too precious to sleep all day, but I know that James needs to listen to his body. Of course, I also need to translate this into remembering the importance of my own self-care.

This is a level of exhaustion that is impossible to describe. It is more than a physical fatigue. My body feels heavy with overwhelming emotions. There are times that the weight is replaced by numbness, and I get a reprieve from the intensity of these emotions. My eyes fight to remain open during the long days. I often nap with James during the afternoons, but I'm awake throughout the night. James' breathing is shallow and almost silent. I have moments of panic, and wake to reach over and feel his cheek or chest. His sleep is deep enough to forget these wakings by morning. In the morning, James and I curl into each other to steal a few more moments before starting another day of uncertainties.

We did not hear back from the Transplant Team, but I suspect James will receive a phone call tomorrow. Once a decision has been made regarding James' qualification for re-transplant, James will have another series of pre-transplant appointments. We will be assigned a pager (and celebrate "beeper" day). James will continue with physiotherapy at the Transplant Gym at least three times a week to build strength and muscle to support his post-transplant recovery period. The waiting will come with its own challenges, but I know that James and I will be able to wade through these waters together. We waited 19 months for his first set of healthy lungs. We can do it again.