nurturance

There are no changes to report. James is fighting for his life, but James is still alive. James is still here. There is still a lot of fight left in him. His body will heal with time. I truly believe in my heart of hearts that James will recover. Yet, I ache in my sadness. I ache in my fears. I ache in my loneliness. The darkness has an unbearable weight. I am broken without James.

There is still room to care for James in his delicate state. I seek ways to nurture. I take gentle care to wash the salty residue from his skin and oil from his beautiful curls. I massage lotion into his palms. I rest a cool washcloth on his forehead, and wipe the sweat from his cheeks. I speak to him in a soft voice. I give voice to our hopes and dreams. I hope that James feels my love within his deep sleep. 

possible rejection?

I am looking for the light, and I am lost in a muddle of overwhelming emotions and dissociative thoughts. 

There have been no improvements. 

James' respiratory status is deteriorating without explanation or known cause. James is on the highest possible ventilation settings. His carbon dioxide levels continue to rise to dangerous levels. He is back on heavy sedation in attempt to improve the consistency of his breathing with the ventilation settings. He continues to have signs and symptoms that indicate potential liver and kidney failure. Edema remains a significant concern despite efforts at diuresis. 

The team has made several adjustments and changes to his medications in efforts to resolve these issues. He has also started treatment for potential rejection. It is possible that there are a number of factors contributing to his decline, but without clear indication of infection or improvements with diuresis, it is reasonable to consider rejection as a cause.

We are receiving love and support from all different directions. We feel very embraced by the ICU and Transplant Teams at Toronto General. We are both getting the best possible care. 

James also has all the strength in the world. He will recover. It will simply take time.